Sunday, June 15, 2008

Things that Piss Me Off: Volume 2

You know how the teeny things in life can grate your nerves until you have no choice but to let it out by furiously typing away your anger (because violence is for bogans and if you try to tell one of your intelligent friends about it they'll be annoyingly logical)? Well these have been shitting me for a week (pics from JustJared):

Exhibit 1: Mischa Barton's fugly beyond belief and probably hideously expensive fringed/tassled boot-things (other boots or footwear in general may be offended at being associated as being in the same family group with these monstrosities). Oh, where to begin? They sort of remind me of a wooly mammoth. Out West. Who's just been to a craft fair and stitched a design Aunt Ethel created onto it's skirt, and couldn't find a pair of matching tights so just threw on the closest pair it could find. And then was chased out of town by pitchfork-bearing folk who couldn't stand that crime and turned it into a pair of shoes so hideous it must live out the rest of eternity being worn by a former a-list celeb who should never had fired her stylist, and being mocked by bloggers throughout the universe for the rest of eternity. Oh, Mischa. When you were Marisa you were bearable, as long as you didn't open your mouth. BUT YOU HAVE WORN THESE AGAIN and I'm sorry but it's the last straw:

See how the mammoth-spirit is trying to escape onto the streets of New York? Trying desperately to wrench itself free of your legs and go live peacefully in the Swiss Alps? LET IT GO. I'm glad you're "getting your money's worth" by wearing these 'boots' a number of times instead of wasting your $$ on an eco-unfriendly one-wear-only pair, but sheesh. SET IT FREE.

2). Yes, it's been a quiet week if Mischa's boots are the main thing getting my goat. The other biggie this week has been Manners. The amount of people these days (and I'm not just targeting youth Today Tonight-style) who find it difficult to utter a please or thankyou, or to stand patiently in line and wait their turn, or to park their vehicles respectfully, or to punctuate their friggin emails and not type in CAPS LOCK ('COS LOOK HOW RUDE THIS SEEMS AM I YELLING AT YOU YES I AM), or to treat their paying customers with a touch of courtesy, is astounding. Do you know how stupid it is when you take up two parking spots in the carpark with your gas-guzzling 4WD that has ben as far into the wilderness as the suburbs, when you have your company name and phone number splashed across the side? Yes I will remember your business name, and no I will not use your services. Instead, whenever anybody asks me for a recc in your line of trade, I will quickly tell them about your lack of parking ability, and warn them to consider carefully the wisdom of handing you money or giving you authority to build/repair/create something when the simple task of manoeuvering your vehicle between two straight, bold white lines appears too cumbersome. And don't tell me you didn't notice, when you clambered down from your lofty Jeep heights did you not wonder why the cars either side of you are so far away? IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU PICKED A BIG PARKING SPOT, TWATTYBOLLOCKS.

I will name and shame becuase some people deserve it. The puckered old bags who work in the local Sussan have as much personality as a hairbrush and as many customer service skills as a kiwi fruit. It does not look good on your store or business when a customer leaves the store, and you all bitch loudly to each otehr about her, in full view and hearing capacity of all the other customers STILL waiting in line. It doesn't matter if she was a cow, or annoying or difficult, basic common sense would tell you to save it for the lunchroom. At least by lowering your standards, we've come to not expect much when shopping in your store. Except for being stared at becuase I look like a well-dressed shoplifter. Or perhaps my toddler is going to stuff some trousers in her nappy and wander out. Or perhaps it is truly annoying when I or anyone I am shopping with decide to try things on, and dare to ask for a different size. Yes we can hear you huff and puff, and I do apologise for putting you out, but I believe your job is "sales assistant" which means in order to get sales, you need to assist your customers. Not stand behind the counter and gossip, not badmouth other customers or staff, not pretend like your stock or that clipboard is more important than a customer, and not take your sweet time serving people. We have places to be, you work here and therefore, you don't. I do a spot of mystery shopping occassionally for a bit of fun and petrol money, and Sussan be warned: I gleefully took an assignment to do your store very, very soon, and it won't be pretty. Ha!

There'll be more on the please and thankyou aspect tomorrow, from someone who works in a bank and therefore bears the brunt of the stupidest, craziest and downright rudest members of society. Stay tuned.

3). I must revert back to fashion for an instant; it has become apparent that the leggings-craze is wearing off, but instead is, dare I say it, being replaced with something much, much worse: Stockings-as-leggings-as-pants. Leggings show all your bumps and lumps and are flattering only when worn as they are meant to be - layered. But stockings are a form of underwear - yes, when you wear them as pants and prance about in an "oversize" shirt from Supre which barely covers your bum crack, the general public can see everything. And we don't wish to. Please wear pants. I feel like I should be on tv: "For just one dollar a day, you too can sponsor a tarty suburban teen to receive the education and funding neccessary to help her realise that common decency requires the covering of private parts. In cities around the country, more and more young girls are unneccessarily revealing more crotch and crack then the public needs to see. Please, give generously and help this worthy cause".

4). We live in a fairly new suburb, the type where everybody has matching Hotondo Homes, a boat, 4wd, and landscaped garden. Many of our neighbours regularly spend their Sundays washing their cars, watering the lawn and mowing the grass. Pardon me, but I thought there was a water shortage? Or does it not apply in every suburb? Your car was claen last week when you washed it, turn your freakin hose off and STOP. Go out and do something else. Take up crocheting or take the kids to a shopping centre to play hide and seek. You'll be amused for hours. The grass looks nice already, how come no-one else's is that green? Is it on some sort of Incredible Hulk steroids? You do not need to religiously mow it in one direction one week, and the other the next so those perfect diagonal lines are always on show. It's a LAWN, you only need to keep it neat, not give it manicures. Are you using recycled water from your shower? No, you like to show off the expensive watering system that's just one bit better than next door's. It pisses me off, becuase a) why haven't people got something better to do, b) it's arrogant to assume that becuase water still comes out of the tap you can use it excessively and c) get a gardener. We have*.

5). Stocktake sales suck when you can't find anything decent, and that pair of jeans you bought last week are now $40 off. 'Nuff said.

*Disclaimer: this is a very nice suburb and aside form the cranky people across the road and the ones who park their van across from our driveway becuase their 10-car garage apparently isn't big enough, our neighbours on the whole are very nice people who don't burn their bathroom doors for firewood or breed with the entire street. I appreciate that.

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