The Froscars

I only watched one segment of last night's Oscars ceremony, (erm, I forgot it was on) but for the 5 mins I watched, all I could think was "SJP's boobs arrived without her". I mean, no wonder Daniel Craig kept stuffing up his autocue.

But, despite Slumdog Millionaire's grand sweep and the usual indignation that the people who actually make movies (ie the writers, producers, art directors, costumer designers) get played off the stage halfway through their speeches ; the Oscars is really about the Frocks. The Froscars, if you like.

If you Google "oscars dresses 2009" one of the first links is about how Miley Cyrus looked like a princess. She didn't. She looks like Ariel with mouldy scales.

Kate Winslet, on the other hand, looks stunning in this gooorgeous silvery grey number. I'm a bit of a fan of some one-shouldered action. On frocks, that is, not some weird x-rated fetish.

The cut of Anne Hathaway's Armani dress is lurvely, but the copious crystals means that spotlight beside her look like it was planted there to be her accessory. Still, I wouldn't say no if someone offered it to me to wear.

It's a cult!!! Teen stars going all mermaid-y on us!!! Now I love a bit of tulle, but I was in a wedding (as a flowergirl) in 1991 and the bridesmaid's dresses looked like this. Retro cool only goes so far. The fact that V-Hudge or whatever stupid name she's been lumped with was barely a foetus in 1991 isn't an excuse. There are PHOTOS from back then and they DON'T LIE, girl.

Strapless, sparkly Valentino is always going to be a winner, and if Jennifer Aniston hadn't let a rogue braid from primary school stealthily attach itself to her hair before she left the house, this would be a stellar outfit.

Oh no, my two-year old attacked Heidi Klum's frock with her safety scissors! And I thought baldness was the only excuse for a massive combover part. That woman in the background clutching a sensible cardi did a better job, love.

I can't believe this woman's name is Meryl. She is fabulous.

"I don't do memo's, dahling" - Sofia Loren missed the note about ageing gracefully. You can tell the man next to her is thinking, "eeew, old lady cooties". Or maybe the mustard colour smells the way it looks. Pity.

Reese at least looks as confused as her dress does.

Possibly modelled on a meringue, but hell, if you can't go all out when you're nominated (and successful) on Oscars night, when can you? And you know, you could wear it again to get married in. Investment dressing, indeed. Top marks for the chic acessories, too.

Nicole turned one of Sunday Rose's art'n'craft creations into a frock. Ok ok, I know she's too young to be gluing just yet, but sheesh. Clag and endandgered bird feathers do not a nice frock maketh. At least she looks suitably pissed off about it.

See, I love Tilda Swinton. She looks like she doesn't give two hoots about a) being there, b) being there and looking like everyone else or c) bras. She migh raise eyebrows with her outfits but can you imagine her in say, this:

actually, yes. But it'd look cool.

And finally, it's always great to see Aussies making it big in Hollywood. But when it comes to fish-tail frocks, Melissa George, bigger is not always best. In fact, never. It would be increditbly difficult to go to the loo in, but on the upside if you got toilet paper stuck to your hem no one would ever know. Smart girl.